(no subject)

[nawigator]

 (For convertable_cameo )



'Two weeks medical leave pending mental and physical checks before return to full service.'

Every time Pasha looked at the message on her PADD it made her feel sick to her stomach. It was happening again, they were going to ruin her career unknowingly with kindness. This was the kind of thing that stuck about on permanent promotion records. There would be records of the event and break downs of the stoic state she'd been in for the past week as well as probably advisals from both McCoy and the nurses who had treated her. The thing that stung the most was being completely locked out of the navigational systems to 'encourage' her to rest and relax.

It only made her more anxious, not knowing where they were and who was on the con. And who was touching her console and sitting at her rightful place at the helm. There had been messages from well wishers as she had expected. But none of them exactly said 'Sorry you were humiliated entirely by a close personal friend in front of several of your crewmembers and a man you've had a crush on since you met him.' Hikaru hadn't even spoken to her since it had all happened and she was worried that she'd lost his respect forever, never mind any feelings she might have had for him. She'd half hoped he might have at least pitied her and come to see how she was. He knew she got ansty being away from the helm like this.

She glanced at her PADD once again, desperately wishing for the words to change or alter, determined to stare at them until they changed, gnawing furiously on her lower lip and listening to the minutes counting down in her head until she was at the helm again. 

Comments

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila frowned. She was one of the dozen Enterprise crew members who'd hacked the illness logs to see if anyone was hurt - and that wasn't the note she wanted to see. That wasn't the cure she needed. She was unhurt and needed to be shown that, not have things rubbed in. And being Pasha she needed something to do - she'd have words with the idiot therapist in her own time but for now there was a friend hurt. And worse yet, a friend hurt by her.

She opened her comm. "Pasha. It's Gaila. Mind if I drop in?" She knew Pasha would be watching whatever she did with the screen. And though there was sympathy in her eyes there wasn't a trace of pity - and was a touch of anger, although not directed at Pasha.

[nawigator]

There was already a plethora of books and logic puzzles she'd sped through that lay in a messy stack beside her bed. For the first day it had seemed all right, sort of like shore leave in her cabin instead of on some planet but now it just felt like torture. Every time she stepped out of her room she could feel people's eyes on the back of her head and rare few would make eye contact with her.

Pasha looked at the PADD with a sigh, reaching for her communicator. "Yes." She bluntly answered. She would be able to face talking to Gaila eventually, but just not today. "I am not supposed to have visitors." She added as a lame excuse. Technically there hadn't been anything said about having visitors but in her mind if they were dubbing her too ill for working like she should be then she was going to grade herself to ill to be sociable.

To say the least, she was moping.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila's response was simply a rude noise to that declaration. "Pasha you know how to seal your cabin from transportation. If it's not locked in ten seconds I'm coming in." She knew Pasha was in a sulk - but to seal her cabin would take actual work. So she didn't think Pasha would. "And if it helps, I'm sorry." There was something slightly brittle in Gaila's voice which wasn't normally there - but she was very glad that she hadn't been recognised throughout the escape attempt. And was an old hand at sending therapists into a spin.

[nawigator]

Ten seconds would be just long enough to seal it, that was true enough and her fingers hovered over her PADD, silently questioning herself as to whether she should or not. In the end she gave a huff, put the PADD down, threw a pillow over her head and hoped that Gaila would at least help to relieve the boredom a little.

Even if it would be entirely awkward to be in the same room as her so soon again.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila of course materialised, actually wearing full Starfleet uniform for once (even if the version with a ridiculously short skirt). And although her eyes looked normal there was just a touch more makeup there than normal, concealing the almost khaki circles. "Pasha, I'm sorry. And if there's anything you want from me..."

Then she almost flipped, smiling. "Although I think I can cure that boredom you must be having by now. There's nothing saying you need to stay on the Enterprise for the two weeks, and one of the shuttlecraft is officially mine and warp-capable. Anywhere you want to go?"

[nawigator]

Pasha pulled the pillow up enough to glance at Gaila before dropping it on her face again. "I am almost certain that would class as straining myself." She blandly replied. "I am supposed to be on my best behaviour if I want back on duty." She just had to keep on reminding herself that there were only five days left. That was thirty-five hours. Only two thousand one hundred minutes. Which was roughly one hundred and twenty six thousand seconds.

She just had to behave for once.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila simply laughed. "Please. Book a flight plan to a resort world, as long as it's not Argo, and it would not. And the rules on resort plans just say you need to book a room there and spend some time." Yes, she had had medical leave before. And twisted her lips wryly. "Even extreme sports count as relaxing. No responsibility."

[nawigator]

"Not interested, Gaila." She replied in a thoroughly grumpy tone, rolling over so she wouldn't have to look at the other woman. She knew that everything that had gone on wasn't the other woman's fault, but that didn't do anything to quell any memories threatening to resurface.

Perhaps if she acted boring then Gaila would get frustrated and leave her alone to mope a little more.

[convertable_cameo]

"'The cure for this ill is not to sit still, or frowst with a book by the fire.'" It still amused Gaila how, in their training on Human literature how many Federation officers were keen on the poet who had praised the 'White Man's Burden'. Gaila shook her head and continued "I'm not going to go away, Pasha, unless you tell me to or decide on something you actually want to do." A slight pause. "And if you want some personal revenge, I'll let you have it."

[nawigator]

"I do not want revenge, Gaila, I know you were only doing what you had to do." Pasha pulled the pillow from over her face, sitting upright and looking at her, smoothing the pillow out over her lap. Anything was better than looking Gaila in the eye. Talking to her so informally was tough enough but looking her in the eye was going to take a little while.

"I just want to..." She stopped, uncertain of what she did want.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila shook her head. "There were two other plans I could have used. Not as reliable but over two thirds probability for both. And I didn't realise you'd prefer the agonizer to humiliation." A slight swallow. "And revenge? Doesn't matter about duty. Emotions matter. And..." Gaila's eyes lowered and her voice turned soft. "... I feel I deserve it."

[nawigator]

"And I feel you do not, Gaila." Hearing there were two other plans made her skin prickle. All of this could have been avoided. All of this hurt and humiliation. "How could you not have known?" She asked. "You know me Gaila, you know how proud a person I am. Did you even think?"

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila looked at her, far more vulnerable than she normally looked. "Because I've been agonized, Pasha. I've been agonized until I lost control of my muscles and would have promised anything for it to stop. I found that more humiliating than any ... artistry ever could be." Of course Pasha didn't have Gaila's way of dealing with that one - making suggestions even if only mental ones. And then awarding her tormentor marks.

[nawigator]

"Pain is momentary." Her face was uncharacteristically stern, upset showing all to clearly on her face despite her best attempts to hide it. She was making this harder for Gaila by getting herself upset, she knew that, but that didn't mean she had any actual control over it. "The humiliation of what happened of this is not momentary. There is a permanent record of what has happened on my files Gaila. Not something even I could hack and delete." She replied angrily now. "Who is going to be able to trust somebody with an incident like that on her files to move up a rank? When people talk about me now, it will be with hushed voice because evidently now I am too delicate again. You don't understand what you have done, Gaila." She snapped.

[convertable_cameo]

"You're talking to me about being humiliated, Pashaska?" Gaila didn't get on with games of misery poker. "Trust me. Humiliation lasts until the next big show. From anyone, then from you." Her voice hardened. "Remember Cavendish at the academy?" Navigation instructor nery harsh and scathing but absolutely fair. Who believed that dark sarcasm in the classroom was mandatory. "Try being put straight into intermediate navigation. Then having him quiz you in front of people and discover over the period of half an hour of personal questioning you know no more maths than multiplication and division, and think that a star is a literal ball of fire. That's not just humiliating, that's incompetent. And I was fielding 'jokes' for weeks about how I'd slept my way into the academy."

She looked straight at Pasha. "Right now it's a millstone on the top of your file. Bury it under two commendations and an amusing story and it will be seen as a positive. And if you can't get the two commendations you aren't the Pasha I know."

[nawigator]

With that Gaila managed to do force something to snap that Pasha had been fighting against since she got back onto the ship. She put her head in her hands and other than a few minuscule huffs of breath and quiet choked sobs she began to cry. She hadn't wanted to be weak. Chekovs didn't cry, it was a well know unspoken law of the family. Her face crumpled unhappily, frustrated with everything that was happening and being totally unable to verbalise why.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila put her arms round Pasha - there was nothing much else to do other than hug and whisper "I'm sorry." And hold her friend while she cried. She wondered when Pasha had last actually let the tears out.

[nawigator]

Pasha had clung to Gaila like a limpet the very second her arms had gone around her. It took a while for her to cry herself out. Her eyes were soon enough rimmed with red from uselessly wiping them with the back of her hand and face drawn and pale. She had known it wasn't Gaila's fault, that she had merely reacted to the situation around them, that she was trying to spare her something worse. But that didn't stop her from feeling she had lost face in other people's eyes. That they were looking down on her now.

"I am so so sorry Gaila." She choked out eventually, head buried against her friend's neck. Glad that they were sitting down, she didn't trust her legs to carry her properly right now.

[convertable_cameo]

"You think I've never broken down on a friend?" Gaila held Pasha, stroking her hair reassuringly. "Uhura's held me a couple of times." It didn't happen often, but the culture shock in the academy had been hard at times. Actually, that had also been weird to Gaila at the time - that Uhura had just been friendly and the only thing she'd directly gained out of it was a long conversation in street-Orion. "And I danced until I couldn't move when we were back on the Enterprise."

[nawigator]

"I-I know." She hiccuped, not ready to let go of her friend just yet. There weren't words to describe how angry and upset she was with this whole situation. It wasn't Gaila's fault and somehow it seemed to only be her that was getting the blame and that was partly her fault.

"But that doesn't make it fair." Not at all fair. "We shouldn't have been put in this situation. Either of us!"

[convertable_cameo]

And Gaila held back equally tight. "Pasha, I chose that situation. It's not fair. But I think I'd do the same thing again." And then her voice darkened as she continued "But I want both rescue parties put on probation."

[nawigator]

"You wouldn't have of had to go that far if the mission had gone smoothly." And if she hadn't of gotten herself kidnapped and if she had never of insisted on being put forward for more missions. "All of this was avoidable, if I hadn't of been such an idiot."

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila tilted Pasha's chin up. "Pasha. It wasn't just you who messed up. Everyone messed up. Kirk, Spock, Sulu, Uhura, the entire security team, and even me. You just suffered the consequences when your only mistakes were believing the briefing and trying to run with a chain round your ankle." She paused. "Other than that you did everything exactly right."

[nawigator]

"But there is still a chain of consequence that begins with me asking to be put on more away missions. I most likely would not have even been on that mission if I hadn't of requested it." No matter what Gaila said, she was going to beat herself up about it. Pasha was frequently her own worst enemy.

[convertable_cameo]

"So say it hadn't been you? Then what?" Gaila frowned. "Another pretty woman would have been kidnapped. Best case is that it would have been either me or Uhura." Gaila's eyes darkened. "And even Uhura would have been worse than you. Not because she couldn't have handled it, but because Spock's repressed emotions would have made him make a hasty plan assuming far too much and dive in."

She needed to draw breath after that, and continued more softly. "Now say it was Janice or Christine kidnapped. Or any other woman on the ship. None of them would have faced what I did to you without cracking, so I'd have been on plan J or plan K. Both had a more than ten per cent chance of death."

She let that hang there.

[nawigator]

Pasha stared at the floor miserably. There wasn't a response that she could muster up.

"Hikaru hasn't been to see me." She muttered, a statement of fact with no judgement behind it.

[convertable_cameo]

"Until today nor had I." Gaila shook her head. "I wasn't sure you'd want to see me." And Hikaru had got very drunk.

[nawigator]

"I didn't, but that hasn't stopped you." She honestly replied, glad that her friend knew her well enough to ignore the stupid things that she said when she thought she knew better. "I don't think he even wants to be my friend any more." She added.

[convertable_cameo]

"You expected it to?" Gaila smirked. "I thought you knew me better than that Pashaska. And I think he's just confused. Doesn't know how to break the ice."

[nawigator]

Chekov was silent for a moment, considering the question. "No. I shouldn't have expected it to when I think about it properly."

She gave a sigh. "I thought he would at least try though. He has always been my best friend and now he won't even try to talk to me." She needed to know how to fix it all.

[convertable_cameo]

"He's scared. So talk to him first. And then reassure him you won't break." Gaila shrugged before whispering "I'm so sorry."

[nawigator]

It was Pasha's turn to give Gaila a squeeze. "It wasn't your fault Gaila." She whispered back to her. "I don't want to talk to Hikaru anymore."

[convertable_cameo]

"If it wasn't mine then it certainly wasn't yours." Gaila smiled. But for once her fake was transparent rather than flawless. "Every single thing I did to you was my decision and my imagination." And her grip tightened.

[nawigator]

"And what were the other options?" Pasha replied ever so quietly. "If we had of transported up we would have put at least three other people in danger. If you had of refused to do it or had tried to go easy then somebody else would have been sent to do to do it properly, right?" She had thought through almost everything in the long week of solitude.

[convertable_cameo]

"I didn't have to be so skillful." Gaila almost spat the last word. "None of the local talent would have even made a passing mark at Kalisha. And that would have been at least a commendation and display, with review for the improvisation." And then her lips twisted in a wry smile. "I used to only barely pass."

[nawigator]

Pasha looked up for the first time. "Gaila. Listen to me. I am not blaming you. Under the situation, you did what you thought right. Ultimately I trust you and I would rather it was you than someone else." Her words didn't completely ring true but it was the best she could muster at this moment.

[convertable_cameo]

Gaila managed a wan smile. "I'll stop blaming myself when you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Deal?"

[nawigator]

Pasha gave a false little laugh. "We are both going to be waiting a fair while then." She said, mildly bitterly.

[convertable_cameo]

"I hope not." Gaila's tone was a near match for Pasha's. "You know Chief Martinez wanted to give me a formal reprimand for bypassing the chain of command." That hadn't lasted long with Kirk.

[nawigator]

That caught the girl's attention and she snapped her head up, uncaring that her cheeks were still pink and wet from crying. "What? That's none of his damned business. Why was he doing that?" Idiot. The damned idiot.

[convertable_cameo]

"To avoid taking responsibility himself." Gaila's tone was bitter and wry. "And because he hasn't worked out he should be keeping his head down."